I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
