i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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