I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
