there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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