onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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