So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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