dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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