Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
