So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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