The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
The struggles of a small town man whore
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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