I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
