i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
