I'm sorry my penis didn't work
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize
