I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
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