If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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