im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
