Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
