Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
