Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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