You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
