WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
