If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Terrible idea I love it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
