I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
