Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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