So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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