Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
