Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
