im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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