it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
