I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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