Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Is it because I queefed?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
