Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
