even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
