If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
