Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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