I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
