my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Are we still banned from the library?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
