i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
