I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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