don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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