I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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