Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
