Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
