i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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