i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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