I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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