you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
