and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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