Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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