I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
