he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
