I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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