I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
