My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
